Marriage Advice from a Newbie

Well I’ve been doing some research lately on marriage. We’ve been married a year now this September, but dated for 7 years prior so we’re not that fresh out of the bag.   Yeah i don’t know what i mean by that either

Anyways, I’ve learned about several words of wisdom from various resources and I thought I’d share one of them.

Lesson #1 Commnication comes in all forms.

1. Adult –> Adult

Talking to an adult as an adult is when full respect for the other person comes across and is a healthy method of exchange.

2.Parent –>Child

If someone speaks down or in a commanding way then the natural response for a person is to respond as a child.  Now that child may be compliant or rebellious…but regardless this is not an ideal communication method.  However I know I’ve seen myself go along this road when dishes are left or the bed is unmade

Child –>Child

Another form of communicating, however if you are both responding back and forth like children you can imagine how much really gets resolved.  My sister tends to play the not it rule with her husband which would line up with this method.

Lesson #2

I can only control my own actions/emotions…

Yeah, I’ve come up with this theory about married life versus dating life.  Let me know if you agree…it goes like this:

When dating – the boy (and the girl for that manner) are on excellent behavior with eachother…no farting in front of eachother, cleaning up after themselves, putting their best foot forward at all times.

Well, when one gets married the boy then doesn’t have to pull out all the courting tactics.  They got the girl, they have the ring…and they are now free to be themselves 100% completely.

Let me tell you after dating someone for 7 years or so…(long distance and all)  it was a bit of a shock to me to not have the 100% full adoration 24/7.  All of a sudden everything I was doing wasn’t so perfect anymore.  And his clean bedroom wasn’t so spotless anymore.  And that unmessy bedroom of his became ours. 

(Yeah we were one of the few who didn’t live together before marriage)…

Lesson #3 (spawning off of my thoery) – It’s all about the approach.  Utilization is a psychological theory having someone help you by pulling on the theories and ideas that they love.  For example:  My husband is an avid lover of sports…football, baseball, basetball.  But especially football as of lately with his underdog Cardinals team go to the SuperBowl as of late.  So this was one of the things before we were married that showed up after the fact.

Before marriage, big game playing:  I come over to visit my boyfriend and his eyes light up and he shuts off the tv at the drop of a hat and takes me out on a to lunch and a movie.

After marriage, big game playing:  I walk into our family room and husband doesn’t hear/see me because the game is on…

So being that the sport is such a love of his…I can use the utilization method and pull on that love of the sport mindset and use that in our marriage.  AKA chores.  I divy it up, make a goal for us to meet, then applaud our teamwork after the fact.  It connects the dots for him…I get want I want out of my hubby and he gets  the satisfaction of feeling like he’s doing someting he loves too.

Let me know your tips you’ve learned throughout the years…I can always use more

One year later...

Marriage – 1 year in

So, now that I’ve discussed the story behind me and the husband…now we can get into the real nitty gritty! 

No one ever mentions to you how hard things can get in a relationship when life comes at you fast.  All of a sudden things aren’t about dates, kisses, etc.  Now it’s the real world, with bills, job losses, house upkeep.  It’s a hard job people.  And now that I’m a year in, I’ve realized it’s all about the approach.  It’s all about the teamwork and getting things done.

Before - yeah, those are weeds people.

After - much better *sigh*

Me & the boy

Well, it’s been a month or so since I’ve started the blog and I’ve decided to bring you in a little to my boy meets girl story.  Please note that I in no way or form am a love sap, so I was hesitant to go there at first.  But in the spirit of Valentine’s day passing, I decided to give it a shot.

I have to admit I started writing the blog and realized my story was good for my soul to reflect on.  It ended up being quite a bit to write…so with that I’d thought I’d introduce you to the boy…

So I’ve been married for about a year now, but we’ve known each other for …hmm 13 or so.  So here’s how it all started…

Yeah his mom was my youth pastor and he was the durmmer boy on the stage.  Of course that was when I was a freshman in highschool and him being 6 years older at the time, we were primarily acquaintances. 

Towards the end of highschool I do recall the friendship kindling.  We were going to Mexico trips together for the youth group, selling christmas trees together next to the church, and being part of the discipleship program.  It wasn’t until my senior year when we were traveling to Flagstaff for some sort of seminar that I even saw him in that light. (Which is probably a good thing given our age difference)

I still recall the youth trip we were driving back home and he offered his shoulder for me to lean on in the van on the way home.  And I gladly accepted.  Ironically his mom/my youth pastor was driving and mentioned to not make me feel uncomfortable and I meekly said i was fine.

After highschool we had one last trip with the youth group – Washington DC.  And that is where he found his way to sit near my in the airplane.  I was reading a book (the only time i read is when i travel) and had my hand under my crossed legs.  Next thing I know he timidly holds my hand and I feel butterflies.

After that trip he went to Bible college in Florida.  I finished highschool and got into my confused stages of life where I couldn’t figure out what i wanted to do with my life.  Stayed in my hometown of AZ, worked at a video store, rented a apt, went to community college. 

Two years come and go and I find him in my video store one day and my heart skips a beat.  We start hanging out more and more and I realize there is something there.  And much to my amazement I find myself calling him and telling him I have feelings for him.  Believe me, I was never the forward girl, but I found myself comfortable in this position with him.

Little did I know I would be the one deciding on many things to come.

I asked him out.

I asked him for our first kiss

And in the end I asked him to marry me.

Alright so I’m skipping some story here.  Let me go back a little bit and catch you up.

We dated for a year and I finally made the long awaited decision to finish out my education and go to a  University -3 hours away.  I could tell it surprised him, but he was supportive.  Up to that point in my life I knew I wasn’t living up to my full potential and I had always meant to finish out my schooling.  I knew I only had 2 more years of school or so with all the community credits leading the way in, and it was time. 

I still remember it was Christmas time and I was packing up to move to Flagstaff for school and he wanted to give me my present before I went away.  Next thing I know I was opening a box with a ring in it and looking at him with confusion.  He then tells me it was a promise ring.   Now for those of you who don’t know me, you may swoon at the nice sentiment, but for me it was the first of two times I turned him down on his nice gestures. 

First of all I was going to college and the sentiment was sweet and all, but in my book either you were engaged or not, and that was not in the books for me at the time.  So I told him I could not accept the ring under those pretenses.  He thought it over and said the ring was his promise he would wait for me while I was in school, and it had no other commitments after that.  So I accepted, under my defined terms

To be continued…

One of my fav pics...me and him before I went off to college.